Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
