it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
