dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
