So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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