What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Success! We fucked roommates!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
