is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
