And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize