nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
