saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
