the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
