I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
