I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
