So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
