Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
