The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize