I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
