You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
