I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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