I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
