When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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