phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So much Jack, so little girl.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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