if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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