Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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