youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
