so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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