i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
