I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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