i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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