listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
