you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
