I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
