my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
