When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
