I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
