let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
