I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
