I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
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