Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
