i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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