I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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