My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
