Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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