I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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