Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
