I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize