My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
