I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize