I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
