all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
