He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
