Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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