she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
