You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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