I puked a lego.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
