I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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