dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
