It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
