Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
