do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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