The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
