there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
